I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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