New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
