I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize