last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
