Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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