he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
