where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
