3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
