He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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