someone get that fucking seahorse.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize