we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
