just tell him i said nine months
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
