Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
