I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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