Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
