Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So much rum. So many feels.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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