Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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