Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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