I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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