You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
