I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize