drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
