We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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