3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
