omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
