Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
