Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
