is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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