Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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