oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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