we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
