A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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