I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
