you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
