Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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