my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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