If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
