take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
