Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
