Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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