dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
