My sheets look like a crime scene.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
