Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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