DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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