fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
