It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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