***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He better not be in your backpack
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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