I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
