wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
