i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize