This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
