I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
