hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
