Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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