I need help removing her.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
