saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
