That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
