I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
