I accidentally had phone sex last night
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
