Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
